Fear of online presence
For almost as long as I've had accounts on the internet, I've never liked commenting or actually interacting other than viewing. I've never had much problem with displaying my own content. I had a brief blogspot, a series of wix websites, and a youtube channel. No, posting was no issue. The aversion was towards transparency of my interactions. I was always loathe to the idea that somebody could see what I was engaging with. Ideally, I think I would remain a ghost.
The Dark Forest hypothesis is a solution to the fermi paradox coined by science fiction author Cixin Liu, in the three body trilogy. The theory proposes that any instance of life in the universe represents a possible or current existential threat to all other civilizations in the universe. Therefore, the most logical course of action when encountering proof of other civilizations is to exterminate them. This leads to a universe full of life that self silences, fearing ever observing potential annihilators.
This became especially true once I joined instagram. On a platform centered around liking photos, I have always been extremely stingy with likes. I would use the app constantly to view memes on the explore page, but would never like posts. I would simply surf the algorithm anonymously as possible. This is not to say I wouldn't like my friends posts, but even then, I found myself almost judging whether or not a post was worth a like. Ironically, when I hit tenth grade, I desired instagram popularity (at a reasonable high school level.)
This violence of observation can be used on wider or individual levels. In Being and Nothingness, by Jean-Paul Sartre, he refers to Le Regard, The Look. He attributes the gaze as able to turn subject to object. To be observed is to be defined. Sartre writes, "I now exist as myself for my unreflective consciousness. ...I see myself because somebody sees me..." To be defined, to Sartre, is constricting, limiting.
Another example is youtube, a platform to which I have been endlessly loyal throughout my life. Despite watching thousands of hours of youtube videos, I have accumulated only about 50 liked videos, and I would guess 80% or more were in the last year.
Freedom comes from living in a non-objectified state, only achievable away from observing eyes. The classic example of this principle is a man peering through a keyhole. While attempting to watch, his world becomes only the keyhole, but when steps are heard from behind in the hallway, the man becomes acutely aware of his presence and objectivity in the gaze of another. Similarly to the self enacted censorship within a dark forest, possibility of perception transforms behavior.
So, why is it that interacting with content is especially repellent to me? I was never supposed to be using the internet the way I was, so perhaps it acted as hiding my tracks. It also could emanate from fear of judgement. Is what I'm watching cool? A third possibility is that I had very high standards. I did very seldom like videos on youtube, or posts on instagram, so it could have been a reserved status for extremely special corners of the internet.
Both Dark Forest hypothesis and Le Regard propose panopticon as the opposite to freedom. Sartre focuses on effects for an individual, while Liu considers entire civilizations. Simone de Beauvoir's book The Second Sex addresses how patriarchy maintains an effective panopticon as a weapon which it gleefully deploys against women. Beauvoir claims that in patriarchal society, man occupies the position of neutral, default subject. He is the one who defines, woman is the Other. She is structurally secondary, and lives defined in relation to him. "The category of Other is as original as consciousness itself. The duality between Self and Other can be found in the most primitive societies, in the most ancient mythologies..."
Upon further reflection, there was an account with which I commented a good amount, actively seeking interaction. This was of course my reddit account. On reddit, users interact via text forums. You are unlikely to identify the same users multiple times, so other posters almost inherently become anonymous. The content of a message is far more important than any image. In this environment, I felt emboldened to post, comment, and like; my identity shielded.
Unlike Sartre's man, objectified by the presence of another, Beauvoir's woman is permanently assigned the position of object. This assignment is upheld by the entire structure of civilization, made up of individual gazes. In patriarchy, women are pushed towards "immanence", a stare of stillness and repetition, while men are permitted "transcendence," self-definition. In this stagnant trap, women are further isolated by men who consider them unknowable. "Mystery is never more than a mirage; it vanishes as soon as one tries to approach it." Beauvoir speaks of the mysterious other, a consideration of women unknowable, as a way to invalidate or disenfranchise.
Remembering about my reddit account reframes my entire examination. Dark forest civilizations don't need to be invisible, only untraceable. Liu's theory is about broadcasting coordinates, not about remaining absolutely silent. Sartre's shame comes from being seen yes, but because he is seen as himself, and forced to confront that assigned identity. In my case, confrontation of identity is certainly daunting. I have long felt unlike the "men" I know. Under patriarchy, men are discouraged from developing "feminine" traits, leaving them to become mysterious others within the self.
As Beauvoir has said, somebody looking can shatter the illusion of mystery. In attempting to maintain anonymous action, I may have prevented myself from being seen. Perhaps parts of me that still remain unknown must be seen or defined in order to achieve real freedom. Self confrontation may be challenging, but it represents the only option once the world can no longer remain a keyhole.
